NEWS EYE: The Lexicon of Life in Jersey

Friday 21 July 2023

Not only is there a ‘Jersey Way’ – which is quaint and parochial or officious and underhand depending on your point of view – but Jersey also has a Way with Words, which is equally unique.

This week, News Eye begins its Lexicon of Life in Jersey, trying to understand some of the local parlance…

‘To do ‘a St. Mary’ – to balls up your village improvement scheme to the point of embarrassment.

‘Traffic calming’ – A Government measure that tends to have the opposite effect on people.

‘Sent to Rwanda’ – to think you’ve reached your destination, only to find out you’re back where you’ve started, having achieved very little. Applies to failed UK asylum seekers. And Chief Ministers.

‘A Gorst fire’ – a dangerous blaze, often occurring around L’Etacq, when a Government department asks for more money from the Treasury.

‘The Full Monty’ – a political speech with more sub-clauses and side stories than two dozen Ronnie Corbett armchair monologues stacked together.

‘Staring at the Horizon’ – for everywhere else, a contemplative gaze at an unmoving point to find serenity and peace; in Jersey, it means your vision blocked by an unsightly concrete monolith at the Waterfront while you wonder how it ever got planning permission.

‘A Grève error’ – allowing wealthy individuals to buy up Jersey’s coastline by not carefully managing the decline of Jersey’s once-burgeoning tourism sector.

Government, keep your eye on the Biarritz and Highlands hotels, Milano site, etc… just saying. Oh, and remember the sites you do own: South Hill, Aviemore, Fort Regent. ‘For the environmental, cultural and social benefit to the public’, you agreed this week. Just saying that, too...

‘A faultless holiday – 1990’: Lazing in a hammock for two weeks, one foot dipped into tropical waters while a smiling waiter brings you a perfectly made daiquiri. 

‘A faultless holiday – 2023’: Queuing at airport security for less than an hour, a flight which is not delayed two hours, actually making your connection, bags miraculously arriving with you, not having to make a claim on your travel insurance, not experiencing an extreme weather event on day three of your break. 

‘HPR’ or ‘House Price Relativism’ – The nonsensical relief that one gets while looking in an estate agent’s window on holiday that you could afford to live rent free in most places in the world if you sold up in Jersey. Only Belgravia, the Hamptons and the Palm might be a struggle.

WARNING: This is completely made-up rubbish.