Select a region
St Helier's sophisticated socialite, Fenella Bond, shares the ups and downs of island online dating.
"Dear Diary,
If you can cast your minds back to my last entry, I boldly went where some very brave women, and some truly terrible men have gone before: I took the plunge into the world of dating apps. I try and live my life as #NoRegrets as possible, but I do regret making my profile.
Not only have I, classy biatch and all-round catch, been bombarded with way too many (frankly unflattering) photos of strangers’ genitalia, but I also think that I might be falling in love...with the enemy.
Finally, I understand how Liesel from the Sound of Music must have felt.
Pictured: Fenella's physically distanced hunk is none other than the brother of her arch-nemesis.
I’ve been having my very own, physically distanced romance with none other than the brother of my arch-nemesis Victoria Pinkerton-White. Now, as much as I would like to invite this hunk of a man into my bubble (if you know what I mean *wink wink*) I just can’t get past the fact that he and Victoria share DNA.
If we got married (which obviously I have already day-dreamed about – a late spring wedding with peonies as the centre piece) then she would be my SISTER-IN-LAW. Eugh, even the idea of it makes me sick in my mouth a little bit.
I just don’t understand why this woman keeps getting involved in my love life. First of all she was hanging around Dr. Dreamboat like a bad smell, and now she has the AUDACITY to be RELATED to the new love of my life? Some people are just so disgustingly SELFISH!
Diary, I just wish that one small thing in my life would go my way. Is that so much to ask from the universe that brought us the Obamas, that gave us Whitney Houston’s singing voice, that made sure shell suits were just a passing fad? All I want is to find a man to tell me I’m pretty every day, without any strings attached or any complications – I don’t think that’s such a tall order, myself.
Pictured: She's been day-dreaming about her late spring wedding with peonies as the centre piece...
Regardless of my beef with the universe (I’ll deal with her later), I needed to end things with PhoneBae. Any relation of Victoria can’t be good news, so it’s best I nip it in the bud before I get too attached...
Now, how on earth do I break up with someone I’ve only met virtually? Weighing everything up, I settled on a three-pronged attack.
This was obvious. There was not a single chance in hell that I would be telling him the truth.
“Turns out I hate your sibling’s guts and she’s not my biggest fan either, so I’d rather avoid you and your entire family like the plague if that’s cool? Great, see you never!”
Not a good look and I’d definitely have Victoria hot on my tail for yet another cat fight which I definitely don’t have the time or energy for – I’m just trying to focus on my daily yoga practice right now, you know? Namaste.
Up until this point I have, obviously, been charming the pants off of him (just an expression, diary, don’t be naughty!) But what if I started being a real bore? Maybe I could get him to call things off with me and then I wouldn’t have to take any responsibility for my own actions or feelings – sounds perfect!
Once stages one and two were complete, I would delete his contact information and never think of or speak to him again. As if I had completely disappeared, vanished into thin air *POOF* who’s Fenella? She’s been dead for many moons now.
It was the perfect plan, but it was only after arranging another date with him that I realised something terrible.
I realised how easy it is to disconnect from the real-life humans behind these dating profiles who are just as needy, insecure and broken as I am (but granted, very few have such good hair). It was then that I threw the plan away and decided to tell this incredibly handsome man the incredibly ugly truth.
I’ll admit, diary, it was much harder than lying through my teeth, being as obnoxious as possible and then faking my own death, but at least my conscience was clear. He tried to reason with me, telling me he’s nothing like his sister and that it shouldn’t get in the way of the connection he knew we had.
Pictured: Fenella decided to tell her incredibly handsome man the incredibly ugly truth.
But I did that thing they did in movies – I held up my index finger and gently shushed him, blurting out something completely generic and unrelated to this situation like “remember me as I was,” before hanging up the call.
Not my best move, admittedly, but at least he had closure.
I was about to blast some Sinead O’Connor and ugly cry, whilst looking at wedding mood boards on Pinterest when my phone went again. I rolled my eyes, thinking it was PhoneBae, begging for me to take him back (as they always do), but I had to do a double take.
It wasn’t PhoneBae, it was PhoneBae’s evil sister, Victoria. What on earth did she want? I let it go to voicemail. Listening back to her message, I could hear the seriousness in her voice.
Pictured: After a voicemail from his evil sister, will PhoneBae get a second chance?
“Fenella, dahhhlinnggg. It’s Victoria. I know you and I have had our ups and downs, but it would kill me to see that get in the way of my brother’s happiness. He’s a lovely man and neither of us deserve him. But for some reason he seems pretty hung up on you so don’t ruin it like you do everything else.”
Hm. Wasn’t quite the heartfelt message I was expecting, but I decided the Queen of the Backhanded Compliment was right. Love conquers all... including family ties to a big-haired, incredibly wealthy socialite with terrible taste who hated me on sight and now refuses to get out of my life no matter how hard I try to shake her loose.
Okay, I’m done slagging off Victoria (cow). Okay now I’m done – off to get my man!
Yours now and forever,
Fenella xxx"
