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Jersey's favourite socialite, Fenella Bond, has been summoned for advice on those potentially relationship shattering secret social accounts.
Here's what she had to say...
Dear Fenella,
I’ve been dating this guy for about six months, and I’m totally smitten. He’s everything I’ve been looking for: smart, funny, hardworking. It all feels too good to be true. But something happened recently that made me wonder if maybe it actually is too good to be true.
When we first got together, he told me he didn’t have or use social media. I actually thought this was quite refreshing and it didn’t ring alarm bells as he’s an outdoorsy guy who doesn’t spend a lot of time on his phone. It checks out, right? Besides, lots of people prefer not to have a big online presence.
So, everything was fine UNTIL... one of my friends found his Instagram. There’s nothing weird on there, apart from quite a few pics of him and his ex (they broke up a while ago). But why would he lie about it? Is he hiding something? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill or is this a red flag??
Send words of wisdom, quickly!!
Suspicious in St. Saviour x
All of the best tragic tales begin with those immortal five words, “I’ve been dating this guy...” and yours is no exception.
Oh honey, I really feel for you. Many great women have fallen victim to the minefield that is the secret Instagram account. I remember a friend of mine (I won’t name names, but let’s just say she’s not not related to the Kardashians) was dating this guy who was all high and mighty about not having any socials, and then she discovered that not only was he on social media but so was his WIFE AND THREE KIDS. He had a whole mortgage in a different city!
The spice of it all!
Okay, okay, but before we jump straight to conclusions that could end up with you starring in a Netflix documentary, let’s just consider the possibility that there’s an innocent reason why he’s kept his Instagram from you.
It’s perfectly possible that this was his Instagram account, and it is now defunct.
He could have deleted the app but not closed his profile down properly.
Pictured: Fenella thinks being behind with tech isn't bad, but a bit embarrassing.
In which case you might just be in a relationship with someone who is technologically inept rather than a potentially adulterous maniac who gets off on lying.
Arguably the lesser of two evils, I would say (although still a bit lame).
The other (albeit slightly unlikely) innocent scenario is that someone has stolen his pictures and identity to catfish other people and set up this account without his knowledge.
Pictured: You might have dodged a bullet if you catch a big catfish in the act.
But, girlypop, if there’s one thing Fenella Bond doesn’t do, it’s make excuses for men who describe themselves as outdoorsy.
If he wants to take a hike, let him, that’s what I say! (Hm, that’s catchy, I should get merch printed).
Don’t shoot the super cute messenger who just got her highlights done, but if it’s clear that this is his account and it’s active (i.e. he’s been posting recently) then he’s simply a liar and you need to confront him.
Whether or not he’s hiding something major from you (secret family, the fact his ex isn’t really his ex, that he’s a Scorpio) it’s still SUPER WEIRD that after six months he’s purposefully kept you out of his online life. What is that about?
The most insulting thing about this is that he thinks that you’re dumb enough to take his word for it and that you would never catch him in his lie. Does he not realise that women and our friendship groups form a better cyber department than the FBI and CIA combined???
Pictured: Fenella says confronting lies is not as insulting as being lied to.
And babes, with love, you need to stop thinking about men who don’t use social media as “refreshing”. Being untraceable in 2024 is a big red flag in my book unless you’re a spy or a celeb. Then and only then is it very, very cool and mysterious.
For the record, here are some other of Fenella’s dating red flags:
He calls his mum “mummy” or by her actual first name
He owns and wears flip flops
He has been to Bali more than once
He doesn’t know how to cook
He drives or wants to drive a Tesla
His career goals include being a digital nomad
He chews with his mouth open
He doesn’t reply to your texts straight away
His favourite social media platform is LinkedIn
Honestly, babe I could go on and on. But the fact of the matter is you’re going to have to sit this man/potential polygamist down and talk to him about this. I would give him one more opportunity to admit the lie to you – ask him again about why he’s not on social media and see if he takes the chance to tell you about it.
When he (inevitably) doesn’t, make sure you have the profile ready, and in the most dramatic way possible, just be like, “Oh, so this isn’t you, then?”
OMG I just wish I could see his outdoorsy face drop! Is it too much to have me on FaceTime when you do this?
And also, if you think this dweeb is a dream come true, you’re going to lose your mind when a man who actually knows how to treat you comes along – trust me!
Love you long time,
Auntie Fenella xxx
This article first appeared in Connect Magazine – read the digital editions of all of our previous issues for FREE right here.
