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Today, Jersey’s favourite socialite-turned-Agony Aunt helps one reader adjust after losing her friends to their new families.
Fenella Bond had this to say to 'Babyless in Brelade'...
Dear Fenella,
It took me so long to build up the courage to write this letter, but I just didn’t know who else to turn to. I’m feeling so ‘lost’ and I think perhaps you’re the only person who can make me feel ‘found’ once again.
All of my friends are popping out babies and I just can’t take it anymore! These are pals who used to be super cool and spontaneous – I mean, duh, they were my friends after all. But it turns out they’re not as fun when they’re on 0% alcohol levels, OR they’re too busy/tired to make any plans with me.
Like, what a SNOOZEFEST! I have no plans of ever having children, but is this what my life is going to be like forever?? Just constantly waiting around for my baby-mad pals to get fun again when they’ve got empty nest syndrome.
Send help and some other cool, childless chickas I can hang out with!
Loads of love and hope you can help,
Babyless in Brelade xx
I’m SO glad that you built up the courage to write to me in the end, I really admire your bravery for speaking out about this issue. I see you; I acknowledge your struggles and I want you to know that you are not alone.
Woah, I just got so moved by my own empathetic response to your letter that I burst into tears – it’s such a burden being blessed with this sensitive soul. On that note, I have been spontaneously bursting into tears lately. It’s probably this new juice cleanse I’m on, I’m basically all liquid right now.
Anyway, enough about my bodily fluids and back to your consciously empty womb.
I remember when baby fever started spreading amongst literally every single one of my school friends and I couldn’t log onto Instagram without seeing a scan of one uterus or other. And it’s like good for them, but like also once you’ve seen one monochromatic smudge you’ve seen them all, you know?
Pictured: "I couldn’t log onto Instagram without seeing a scan of one uterus or another."
I’m not even that heartless: I’m just as partial to a cute baby as the next exceedingly good-looking and successful girl boss. But when you’re not quite at that stage in your own life, there’s nothing duller than a formerly fascinating friend only being able to talk about their little darling who they’ve inexplicably given a name which ordinarily belongs to an octogenarian (Say hello to baby Clarence!).
My friendship group went from having like one random drunken mistake baby to being a full nursery cohort in the space of like a year-and-a-half. I totally take your point about realising how boring some of your favourite people are when they can’t drink, but I actually think the worst thing about everyone becoming parents is that you can no longer borrow their clothes!!!
One of the major benefits of having cool, rich friends is that you can all fit into each other’s’ clothes. Like it’s the whole reason I insisted on going to boarding school. But not anymore! Once you go stretchy waistband, you never go back and there’s no way I would ever be seen dead in their last season cast-offs from when they were still my size – I mean I may as well shop on the high street (yuck!).
Pictured: "I totally take your point about realising how boring some of your favourite people are when they can’t drink..."
As the babies doubled, my rentable wardrobe halved – I couldn’t believe it. And actually, you know what? You’re allowed to take this time to grieve. Everyone’s so wrapped up in what these families are gaining by having a new bundle of joy, that no one talks about the experiences and perks that their acquaintances lose out on. Ugh, WHY US? We didn’t choose this life! Honestly, why should we have to suffer because other people can’t keep it in their pants?!
Phew. So, what do I suggest you do about it? First of all, don’t let anyone make you feel ashamed about not wanting kids – we’re allowed to slag off their life choices, but obviously that doesn’t go both ways (DUH). For my own part, I’m still undecided about whether or not I want children, but if I do I reckon I’ll do it the right way (à la Kim K) and get myself a surrogate. In fact, I often find when I’m at my lowest ebb and I’m not sure which way to turn, I ask myself: What Would a Kardashian Do? And, more often than not, that shows me the right path.
Why on Earth would I have spent the last decade of my life going to spin class three days a week just to throw this super toned body away for the ‘joys of motherhood’?! Yikes, no thanks!
As your Agony Auntie, I suggest that you don’t burn off your current friends completely, maybe give them some space so that the novelty of their new babies wears off a little. Then, you can be the fun, single friend they come to when they inevitably need to rant about their families, blow off steam and get their pump and dump on. In the meantime, take this opportunity to meet some new (non-babied) people! It’ll be fun, like a social life renaissance – meeting some fresh faces and getting yourself a completely separate friendship group you can moan about your other friends to.
What are friends for, after all?
Stay strong, sweetie. I’m rooting for you!
Auntie Fenella xxx
