NEWS EYE: Brian enters race to be next Constable of St. John

Friday 26 March 2021

Another candidate has put himself forward to be the next Constable of St. John - a hedgehog called Brian.

The public-spirited spiny mammal said he will provide a voice - or at least some grunting and snuffling - for the hundreds of thousands of islanders who don’t happen to be human.

He also said he would campaign to protect the natural habitats that he, his family, friends - and all the other residents of Jersey in the non-homosapien bracket - call home. 

Asked what motivated him to stand for the States, Brian said: “Well, I’ve been listening to a few of the debates in the Assembly recently and all I could hear was ‘human-this’ and ‘human-that’ … you would think that humans were the only species on earth.

“I keep hearing 'we need more houses' and 'we need more economic growth' and 'we need to build a new hospital.' Well, that’s all very well if you want to further the cause of one species on this delicate planet, but what about the rest of us?

“What finally prompted me to put my name forward was listening to the States talk about population recently. Human depopulation was presented as some sort of evil but people who might vote for me would probably disagree. 

“I actually think that having fewer humans around might help people like me. It might mean having fewer of my loved ones run over on the road, fewer precious fields developed into housing estates, fewer streams poisoned by chemicals, and fewer green spaces turned into managed and beautified human interpretations of the wild.”

Brian said he had already had enough signatures for his nomination paper - Mogg the agile frog, a grass snake called Jake, a bee called Lee, a bat called Matt, a shrew named Stu, a vole called Noel and an owl called Raul. 

“We’ll be out campaigning as extensively as we can, although that’s not easy for a hedgehog,” said Brian, before sticking his snout in a hole, looking for a tasty worm. “Our message to voters is clear: stop viewing the world through the narrow prism of humanity’s needs and desires. It’s not all about you.

“This planet is ours too so give the island's other residents a voice by voting for me. That’s real representative democracy. I might not support the endless building of human houses but I’m all for more burrows, nests, dreys, roosts, hives and holes.” 

“And time is running out. The human population in the island is exploding. Apparently some want to wait for the Census results to be published before coming up with a policy - but try telling that to my squashed friends on the road, or those who have seen their habitats concreted over to make way for a school or housing estate.

“As one of the few wise humans once said: “You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows."

The latest polls show that Brian is set to win by a landslide in the election.

In other news...

Jersey gets off to a good start in its attempt to recruit a new CEO: