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The Government has agreed to pursue a strategy of elimination - of criticism.
Tired of having to defend his perfect record - which is a global exemplar of how to handle the pandemic that puts Taiwan, New Zealand and Iceland to utter shame - the Chief Minister has decided to eliminate all opposition voices.
His ministerial colleagues have also been vaccinated against the effects of criticism.
Anyone who travels to the island will be tested at the border by answering a simple ‘PCR’ test:
Anyone failing this PCR test will be told to isolate until they’ve learned the error of their ways.
Speaking about the strategy, Chief Minister John Le Fondré said that since the very first days of the pandemic, the Government’s plan to Suppress criticism, Contain dissenters and Shield ministers from attack had worked well.
“Using our ever-growing Contact Tracing Team of civil servants handpicked by our Chief Executive, who lives and breathes the ‘Elimination of Criticism' philosophy, we have identified people who don’t toe the line.
“We’ve planned everything to perfection: the 1,000 cases just before Christmas, the confusing and mixed messages over gatherings, the super-spreading events, the break-outs in care homes, the balanced approach that intended to please everyone but has ended up pleasing no one… it was all part of our grand scheme.
“And don’t let any of those annoying poll-topping women tell you otherwise. We live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men like me...with pens. Who's gonna do it? Moore? Vallois?
“You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth! You’re goddamn right I ordered a Code Red against them!
“Umm… sorry, I don’t know what came over me then.”
Senator Le Fondré added that his newly-appointed Head of Statistics had confirmed during his interview that the Government was right 100% of the time.
Looking at specifics, a Government communications adviser said that part of the elimination strategy included ensuring that Health Minister Richard Renouf said “thank you” at the end of every answer he gave at a press conference.
“We hope that such a firm statement subconsciously sends out the message that whatever he says is correct and cannot be questioned further,” said the adviser.
“We originally wanted him to say, "This is the Way,” at the end of each answer, but one of our young interns discovered that it had been copyrighted by Disney for The Mandalorian.
“Another suggestion was for the Health Minister to move his arm in a single wave while saying, “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for; move along,” but, George Lucas had got there first.
“However, I can reveal that a new strategy at press conferences is for the Chief Minister to take off his glasses, knock over a microphone or two and then point wildly at a fuzzy graph on a screen.
“Neither he nor we have any idea what the graph is about, but we’ve briefed him that if the line goes up, it’s about vaccination numbers, so it’s good; if it goes down, it’s about number of cases, so that’s good too.
“The other way round could spell trouble for us, the Chief Minister and the entire criticism elimination strategy.
“If he does balls it up, he’s been trained to say, “Do you want to come in on that, Ivan?” as a last line of defence."
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