NEWS EYE: New ‘square root’ rule to make Christmas simpler

Friday 18 December 2020

The Government has attempted to simplify its Christmas covid restrictions by allowing everyone whose name begins with B to mingle with a group of between 7 and 12 people - but only if their combined ages are divisible by 5 and less than the square root of 1,345.

These gatherings will be allowed on 6.25 days of the 12 days of Christmas, as long as the wind had been in a south-easterly direction on the second Tuesday of the month. Last February.

Health Minister Richard Renouf explained that the ‘Rule of the Square Root of 1,345’ - as the measure will be called - will supplement the Rule of Three, the Rule of Five, the Rule of Six to Ten, the Rule of 20, and the Rule of 20+5.

He said: “People falling under this rule … Beryl perhaps, or Bertha, or Barnaby … need to remember that they’re only allowed to gather with people who are not as confused by the Christmas regulations as they are.

“That way, they’re more likely to spend the festive period on their own, in fear that they might break the rules. That’s the only way we will beat covid.”

“However, when it comes to the far more complicated Rule of Three, it appears that we’re allowing one person to potentially meet up to 27 people from 27 households in two weeks, which perhaps isn’t such a great way to stop the spread of the virus, after all.

“But let’s be clear: a group of five can meet as many times as they want to but a group of six can only meet three times. But if a child with separated parents is classed as living in both households, then that doesn’t count as one of three; neither does going to Church and potentially mixing with 24 other people, including two stewards, two wardens and a verger. 

“How could it be any simpler?

“Oh, and don’t forget to get the contact details of everyone you meet and also count the number of people going into next door, and dobbing them in to the honoraries if they have more than ten.

“However, remember to check their names first. If it's Bethany and Bertram, they may not be breaking the rules. And if they stayed overnight, it might not count as one of their three gatherings.

“But if they went out for a two-hour walk with five friends from another household, that might constitute another gathering. Or maybe not.

“We hope these guidelines - or is it rules? I can’t remember - will not only make Christmas simpler but also might provide a boost to high-street sales of scientific calculators.”