"I always had my son's emotional and mental wellbeing in mind"

Thursday 18 January 2018

A father who hasn't seen his son in eight years has written a book about parental alienation to let other parents who have been through it know they are not alone.

Allan Freeman-Jones's* son was born in 2007 - but by the time he was three, his father says he was alienated from him. Since then, he hasn't had any contact.

Born and raised in Jersey, Allan, a stonemason, moved to Australia in 1993 where he studied as a mature student. He then went on to open his own consultancy company. 

In 2007, amid a difficult time during which he "wasn't thinking straight," Allan met a woman. He explains: "Within two months she was pregnant, within seven we had broken up. During the first year of my son's life I only saw him with his mother. It was only when he was about 14 months old that I was able to see him on my own. We had a bad handover one day and there was no contact for 65 days. We went through mediation and parental orders were made in her favour.

"I started court proceedings to see him more but then, when he was two-and-a-half years old, I received a letter saying the legal team were withholding access. The mother had made allegations of sexual abuse. It was the beginning of the end. From then, I only had supervised visits with my son, at my own expense - I was paying up to $150 (Australian Dollars) to see my son."

Pictured: Allan and his former partner spent a lot of time in court in the first few years of their son's life.

An expert on family abuse eventually decided that there was no evidence to support the mother's allegations.

Seeing that he would never be able to enjoy real quality time with his son, Allan made the agonising decision to withdraw from his son's life . He says: "The allegations the mother made could not have been in a two-and-a-half year old's vocabulary. The expert who interviewed us both thought he was a very happy little boy and didn't show any evidence of having been abused. The process would have continued if it had been allowed to.

"I decided to cease contact for my son, so his mother could concentrate on raising him and not on pushing me away. I didn't want him to be a pawn in the middle. I agonised over it for weeks but in the end I thought it would be the lesser of two evils. It's far from ideal but I always had my son's emotional and mental wellbeing in mind."

"My son was loyal to the end, it was only during my last visit with him that he started acting like a stranger to me. It was as though he was walking on eggshells."

It has now been eight years since Allan last saw his son, but time hasn't made it any easier. "I have visited several forums and blogs and there are very few people who cope with putting this behind them. I don't think it's something I am capable of. 

"The only time I have been happy in the past eight years is when I have hiking and climbing in the mountains. There is a particular place in Boulder, Colorado, that I really love. The rest of the time it's just like being an hamster on a wheel. It feels like you are just killing time."

To "kill time," Allan wrote a book about his experience and parental alienation. Titled "Parental Alienation, A Loving Father's Lost Years," it was self-published and is available on Amazon and Smashword as an ebook. Allan also has a number of printed copies available which people can order by contacting him on Twitter. 

"The book took four to five years of  work. I hope that other people will read it and understand what parental alienation is. I describe it as the failure of one parent to put the child's needs above their own. I hope family court officials, practitioners, counsellors and psychologists also read it. Parental alienation is a bit like addiction. You think you're the only one with it but the more you talk about it, the more you realise it's just the variation of a same theme for everyone."

Coming to Amazon very soon, "Parental Alienation A Loving Father's Lost Years" by Allan Freeman-Jones. pic.twitter.com/115ey0Pku2

— Allan Freeman-Jones (@fatheralienated) December 12, 2017

Allan is determined to raise awareness around parental alienation and change the way it is perceived globally, but also in Jersey where it is not recognised. "It is a global issue. I want to write another book in the future, maybe I will do it in my own name, and research the effect parental alienation has had on children. I would like to ask alienated teens and even adults how they have been affected, if they have lived fulfilling lives or if they felt they had to fill a void."

Will Allan ever see his son, who will turn 11 later this year? It's a good question he says, but not one he can answer just yet. "There is evidence for and against it. Some people never see their children again. I would like to think I would but it's not a given. He might not want to see me.

"I hope one day he will read my book. I really hope he is well, happy and fulfilling his potential. Even at three years old, he was a very sensitive little boy."

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the people involved.