Select a region
For Nurse Pinchme, whose three passions in life are sailors, new frocks and hating Guernsey, the whole island is a stage.
Next week, she'll be taking to the Arts Centre's real stage in 'The Sleeping Beauty' being staged by Jersey Amateur Dramatic Club from 9 to 20 January.
Before that though, the Nurse (Ian Barette), took some time to share the five things she'd do to improve the island with Express, warning: "This is just a sample of my concerns but I have many more!"...
Jersey enjoys the third highest rise and fall of tide in the world. But it’s a nuisance. I go to the beach to build sandcastles and its under water. Or I want to go swimming and the tide is out.
Pictured: For Nurse Pinchme, low tide is just a bunch of nonsense.
Let's stop the tide so it's always up just like in the Mediterranean, so there’s no confusion. And, of course, with the tide always up, we would be further away from Guernsey... which is no bad thing!
Thinking about the sea brings me to another issue that needs to be addressed – cruise ships! Cruise ships are wonderful – except all the good ones go to Guernsey.
Pictured: Where do all the nice ships go?
So let's get those ships over to Jersey – more cruise ships mean more sailors and as we all know… “All the nice girls love a sailor!”
With all the traffic in Jersey, driving across the island is hopeless. Particularly crossing through St. Mary. Easy fix… Let's get rid of St. Mary, and send it to Guernsey!
Pictured: Nurse Pinchme thinks the whole of St. Mary should just be shipped to Guernsey.
Their road system is already hopeless, so it will blend in well and make life sooooo much better for us here in Jersey. Problem solved!
As a local diva, I have wonderful collection of frocks and lead island fashion. Last week, I went to town to choose some more fabric. But, disaster, Hamons was shut! We’ve lost BHS, Woolies, Laurens, Briggs, The Old Soldier, Amys, Elle… They’ve all gone…. I blame GST! The States’ “Golf, Sangria and Travel” fund!
Pictured: Nurse Pinchme still isn't over the loss of BHS.
We need to get rid of GST. Anyway, I went off to M&S as they had some frocks there, but there was a power cut when I was on the escalator. I was stuck there for two hours before they got it going and my paycard had run out!
I am often complimented for my beauty and fair complexion. I put it down to bathing in cow’s milk. But lately I notice that the milk has changed from full fat to chocolate-coloured, and I’m putting on weight every time that I bathe in it!
Pictured: Traditional Jersey cows are the only ones Nurse Pinchme likes. (Tom Perchard)
I blame the imported seamen and their dark chocolate-coloured cows – bring back the traditional Jerseys please!
The views expressed in this article are those of the author and not of Bailiwick Express.
Comments
Comments on this story express the views of the commentator only, not Bailiwick Publishing. We are unable to guarantee the accuracy of any of those comments.