“Separated parents, you are not alone”

Monday 08 October 2018

A distraught father who didn't see his baby daughter for six months during a rocky break-up, has shared his story as part of a call for separating parents to seek out support.

Tom* had to fight for contact with his daughter because he and her mother were never married, meaning that he wasn’t entitled to any parental rights over her when they split up.

But he found support in a local charity, and is urging other parents to do the same.

Tom told Express that when he and his ex-partner broke up, he had no right to see his daughter or have any say in her life: “It was about six months that I had no contact with my daughter. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I had nights where I would walk home crying my eyes out just thinking about it and I had no idea if it was ever going to get sorted or what was going to happen next.”

During this time, Tom was pointed to Milli’s Child Contact Centre - a part of the Jersey Centre for Separated Families - which helps separated families who are struggling with child handovers during divorce or separation. 

Through the centre, a handover of Tom’s daughter could be arranged without the parents even having to see or speak to each other.

Pictured: Tom says being apart from his daughter for six months was "the hardest thing" he's ever had to do.

Tom described the elation he felt when he was able to see his young daughter again. He said: “Instantly, you’re filled with joy at the prospect of seeing your child again. Not seeing your child for six months and then being told that you can see them, even for four hours, is absolutely incredible.” 

When he and his daughter were reunited, Tom said she had changed a lot over the six months they had been apart: “She was sitting up, she was babbling. I even managed to teach her to say ‘dad’ during the first couple of sessions! 

“I was terrified the first time I went to see my daughter, thinking that she would have forgotten my face or my voice or she’d get upset. But the minute she saw me, her eyes lit up and she remembered me.”

Pictured: Milli's Separated Family Centre helps make sure that separating parents continue to put their children's interests first.

Eventually, Tom was able to go from four hours supervised contact with his daughter to having her overnight and is still looking to increase the amount of time he gets to spend with her – a journey he says wouldn’t have been possible without Milli’s.

“It’s really, really improved my relationship with my daughter and I couldn’t ask for anything more than that.”

Sharing his personal experience, he said that parents in similar situations should know they're not alone, advising them: "Keep your head up and never give up because it can feel like it’s a losing battle sometimes. Seek out places like Milli’s because they are super beneficial.”

Another parent who used the Jersey Centre for Separated Families told Express that the centre's open and non-judgemental approach was particularly valuable. 

Pictured: Parents who have been through divorce or separation are calling for other people in the same situation to seek out support.

“I think there’s a big stigma surrounding divorce and separation which can discourage you from talking, but the best thing for you and your children is to talk about it openly.

"Make sure you have a big support network and I’ve encouraged people to get in touch with the Centre because it’s specifically there to help. There’s only so much support that friends can offer and this service really gives you the support and understanding that you need," the mother said.

The Centre is a charity working to support families through all aspects of separation, from childcare to conflict resolution. Its co-ordinator, Denise Carroll, urged parents going through separation to remember there is always help at hand - they only need ask.

“Get in touch with somebody that can help and support you. When your whole world is crumbling around you, you feel so isolated and so alone, but you need to know that you’re not." 

*Name changed to protect anonymity.