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The News Eye Party has moved a step closer to being a fully fledged political force with the announcement of its leader, and first tranche of policies.
Brian the Hedgehog will steer his loyal members down the tracks and green lanes towards the election in June, ably assisted by its 27 candidates, amazingly all called Brian.
However, Brian the Hedgehog's leadership was far from a certainty after a challenge from a lark called Mark, a migratory bird who spends his summers in Jersey.
Mark the Lark wanted to build exceptionally tall nests and allow thousands of birds to settle in Jersey; but Brian wanted a more “measured trajectory to better balance risk and harm”.
Pictured: Brian the Hedgehog shares some of his visionary politics.
Brian the Hedgehog won on the day, although Mark the Lark will remain to help devise policies.
And the first tranche of manifesto pledges have been released by the News Eye Party. These include:
Brian said: “Have you ever noticed just how rubbish some parish church spires are? You’ve got two square ones, two with diddy towers, two proper granite ones, and the rest have really crappy rendered additions.
Pictured: One of Jersey's unimpressive concrete spires, which the News Eye Party will get rid of. (Google Maps)
“The News Eye Party will get rid of the rubbish add-ons, starting with Trinity, and return these places of worship to proper Norman churches.”
“Our party’s Head of Communications, a rabbit called Thumper, has devised a policy that will unpin our social media: ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all’ and we rather hope this will be picked up by others using these platforms,” said Brian.
Pictured: News Eye Party Head of Communications Thumper announces its social media policy.
If elected to power, our ministers will pledge to have three media photoshoots a day
“Brian said: “Politics cannot just be done; politics must be seen to be done; therefore, we will make sure we’re photographed at every school, youth club, nursery, building and leisure centre to convince the public that we’re actually doing something.
“All Brians are very concerned that Jersey seems hellbent on destroying as many fields - which provide important homes and feeding grounds for moles, voles, mice, worms, birds, insects and bats, as well as hedgehogs - as possible," said Brian.
“This thirst to build human houses has to stop but it appears the system is currently too broken and politicians too weak to change direction in a meaningful way."
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May contain satire, if you look hard enough ...
